What to Do, What to Do

I'm stumbled into a bit of a conundrum. UT's RTF department has this program called UTLA. Basically it's a study abroad program, except it's in Los Angeles. I'd spend a semester taking classes and working as an intern in like a film studio, a tv show, or something of the like, depending on what I want to do with my degree. Most people who participate in this program end up having their internships roll into full time jobs after graduation. Matt and I both want to do this, but it poses more of a problem for me because I can't afford it, while Matt can. He says he won't go without me, but I'd feel horrible if that were to happen because I don't want him to miss any opportunities that he very well had access to. If he wants to go out to LA, he should be able to, without worrying about me. This could very well lead to jobs for us in an industry that is notorious for being hard to get your foot in the door. I want Matt to be successful, because he very much has the potential to be, and I don't want to be the one who deters him from that. Plus, I WANNA GO! Although, the one down side in my mind about all this is, what if we do end up living in LA after graduation? I never really saw myself living out there; I figured I'd stay in Austin. I also don't really see Matt and I starting our family out there. We may even get married out there. But all in all, this seems like the smartest option if it's going to lead to jobs. So basically I have about a year or so to come up with the money to go. I'm just going to have to work my ass off to get there. 

"Let's pack up and move to California, she's got lots of friends out there. We'll never get bored cuz we can go boarding. Let's let the sunshine take us there"

- California, Hawk Nelson

New Tattoo

My birthday present to myself (with help from others) was a new tattoo. This is my 5th. It has a lot of meaning and it makes me very happy to see on my arm everyday. I know I talk about him a lot, but this tattoo is for Matt. He means the world to me, and I wanted a daily reminder of how much we love each other. Thank you to Erica, Mom and Dad, Chris, and unbeknownst to her my Grandma for the donations :D

"Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm. 'Come in' she said, 'I'll give you shelter from the storm'"

- Shelter from the Storm, Bob Dylan

Spring Break Is Upon Us

And I'm going to be spending it writing a research paper. Grrreeeeeaaaaaattttttt...Anyways, I'm hoping that's not all I will be doing. Tomorrow Matt and I will be driving to Nacogdoches and we'll be spending the weekend there and in Lufkin. (the 2 are only about 15 miles apart, Matt's from Lufkin, but when he went to college his family moved to Nac) I'm a bit nervous because I'm meeting all of the aunts and uncles at his grandfather's birthday party sunday. But I'm sure they'll be amazing, just like the family members I do know. I kind of miss his mom. She's a great person to just be around and talk with. I also miss his cats, especially Blackie. He'd be my soulmate if Iwere a cat. But then after that we'll be heading to Abilene on monday morning. I kind of hope that I see some friends (considering that thursday is my birthday), but I also hope to have some alone time with Matt and my family. I want to get a new tattoo for my birthday, so I'll be going to see Richard at sacred art for that sometime. As of now I'm seeing my old group of high school girls on saint patrick's day. I want to do some shopping and see a few movies with my mom and my sister. But mainly I'm just looking forward to a break. I don't like waking up to an alarm. I don't like not having enough time to eat. I don't like being so stressed I take it out on Matt. So there are my plans. I'm also open to suggestions. Just keep in mind that research paper I have to write.

"Forget the map we can make this interesting. I got you honey can't you see that is all I need?"

-Come With Me, Wesley Jensen

So Here's What I Don't Get

Those of you who've known me more than a few years know that in middle school/beginning of high school, I was the chubby kid. Ever since junior year of high school I've been working to keep the weight I left off. Last semester, I put on some of that weight, taking me up to almost 200 lbs. Well everyone, I've stumbled into a bit of a conundrum. In the past 3 weeks, i've lost 8 lbs bringing me to 190. I was really happy about this, until I did a little math. According to the wonderful thing called the BMI index, mine is 29.8...30 is obese. DO I LOOK OBESE TO YOU STUPID CALCULATOR THINGY!?!?! I just don't understand it. I work out, I try my damnedest to eat healthy, but I'm obese. I wear a dress size 8, and I'm obese. I just don't get it. 

"fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round."

-Fat Bottomed Girls, Queen

New Day

Well now it's saturday, and I just woke up and am still in my pajamas. I thought I'd tell you in a little more detail why I'm writing this blog. As stated previously, this is going to serve as a stress reliever, but there was a lot that happened this week to preface this decision.

For the most part, I'm just like every other college kid in this world. I go to class, do my homework, and when I'm not doing those, I'm up at the tv station working on Video Game Hour Live. Through just about all of that, I spend my time with my boyfriend Matt. But unfortunately, I'm not like everyone else because something's wrong. No one's ever really figured out what, but I've been told it's probably bi polar disorder or at the very least depression. I have horrible self esteem, my mind blows small things up into huge ordeals, and it takes work on my part just to have a good day. Needless to say, relationships with friends and family have always been hard for me. Enter Matt. I found someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. All he ever does is care for me, yet sometimes it's hard for me to see that. I forget sometimes how much he loves me and how much I love him. This has inevitably led to a bit of a rough patch for us, and we're doing everything we can to get out of it. He went home this weekend to clear his head, and I'm here catching up on school work. Thursday I went to see one of the school therapists, the one I saw last semester because I was getting stressed out then as well. He told me that maybe it isn't the fact that I have an overly stressful life, I get stressed because I have nothing in my life to take away stress. I never do anything to just relax. He suggested getting a hobby. And maybe also I treat Matt the way I do sometimes is because he's the closest to me, so he's the one getting all of the damage. I will be constantly working on treating Matt better because he deserves better. And as far as the hobby goes, I'm still thinking on that one. Maybe scrap booking? I've always wanted to make one, and I guess I have a reason now. I also am starting the search for an actual therapist. My life has gotten to the point where I need to fix myself. I need to get help. Wish me luck.

"Then you better start swimmin' or sink like a stone, for the times they are a-changin'"

The Times They Are A-changin', Bob Dylan

And I'm Back

Om nom nom...cookies :)

Anyway, hello and welcome to my blog. This is a bit of an experiment for me. Mainly to see if I can actually keep up with this thing. But seeing as this is my first (please, go easy. jk!), might as well tell a bit about myself. I'm currently a sophomore at UT, and Radio-Television-Film major. Japanese class is kicking my butt right now. I have an amazing man in my life named Matt. I'm very lucky to have found him. I've got a bit of a weird family, but hey, who doesn't? This blog will mainly serve as a way for me to de-stress after a long day. So you are going to hear everything from complaints to random facts of the day. I also hope this blog will serve as a way to get my voice heard; from time to time I feel as if I'm going by unnoticed. Boo. So let the experiment commence.

"I sang instead while other girls only cried. I called it grace; I am a mindless child."

-Blue and Gold Print, Mates of State

Ooooo, Bad Timing

I planned on starting up a blog tonight, but my Tiff's Treats has just arrived. So for now, this is my place filler. Better things to come.