It's been a Summer...

Wow. I'm rude. I left this completely alone for the entirety of what was summer '09. I guess I'm back because I can't sleep, and this is usually how my blog entries come about. Let's see, first we'll get caught up. After a long and difficult summer, Matt and I finally moved back to Austin into our apartment. I'm on the couch at 12:30 in the morning because I can't sleep, and that's mainly because I'm having doubts.

Matt and I lived together all summer with my parents, and now we're living together alone (haha, oxymoron). He's usually there when I wake up (he's never able to sleep in, I've never seen him in bed past 10am) and he's there when I fall asleep. If I want to spend money, I check with him because we have a joint budget. We do everything (including fight) like a married couple. Which leads me to the question: why get married at all? Deep down I feel like I only want to get married because I want a wedding; it's what I'm "supposed" to want. But we already live like a married couple. I treat him like I would my husband. Plus if we don't get married, I'll stay on my mom's health insurance until I'm 26. As I'm growing up, I'm realizing that almost free health care is major perk. I mean, if we're already living like husband and wife, why spend thousand of dollars on a party to make it socially official? He's putting so much pressure on himself because he wants to buy me a ring he thinks I deserve, but he doesn't think anything he can actually afford is good enough(sweet, ain't it?). I don't want him stressing out over a piece of metal and stone. I'd be happy with a string tied around my finger, but he thinks he has to buy a huge shiny rock. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I watch "say yes to the dress" every friday, I don't really like the pressure society still puts on couples to get married. I think it might be too much stress for us. :(

"Can you feel it surround me? I think it'll drown me..."

- Think Long, Mates of State

Fathers and Daughters

For some reason today, I've been going through my ipod trying to find a good father/daughter dance song for my wedding. Yeah, I know, I don't have a ring yet, but we all know it's going to happen. Anyways, I guess it's because I've been missing my dad lately; I always was a daddy's girl. I narrowed it down to a few. It seems like this is my one real chance to sum up to my dad how much I love him. But then Matt and I were talking tonight about how we're moving in and starting our life together soon. The topic of kids came up, and I know now for certain that it's true love with us. He's a 20 year old guy talking about having kids and starting a family... and he isn't freaking out about it. He even told me that he got excited and feels like he can't wait to have kids. He told me that he wants to have a daughter first; that way he can have a little girl he can protect. I know it's mother's day coming up, but for girls everywhere, I think we should all take some time to thank our dad's. It really is a special bond.

"I've been with you such a long time. You're my sunshine, and I want you to know that my feelings are true, I really love you."

-You're My Best Friend, Queen

Midnight Sounds Like a Good Time for a Rant

As usual, I'm having trouble sleeping. I will continue to have trouble sleeping until May 20, after which I will be living with Matt. For the rest of my life. It's a bit of a scary thought. I mean, I'm only 20 and I'm with who I will be with until, well, death. But bring it on I say. I know he's who I'm meant to be with. But that's not what this post is about. Sorry for the tangent.

To move onto what I wanted to write about, I believe that this should be prefaced with the fact that I've been trying so hard to be girly. I do my make up almost every morning. I'm getting better at shopping and coordinating outfits. I don't sit in a skirt with my legs open. I'm trying to make up for the greater portion of my life where I was a tomboy. I hated it. Girls never treated me nicely, and guys thought of me as one of them, which leads to some GREAT disappointments in the love life department. Plus some of them think it's ok to rough-house with you. Sorry, but no; that's never ok. But after 3 years of trying, I feel like in college I'm producing results. People give me almost shocked looks when I tell them I was on drumline and didn't own a skirt until senior year of high school. Almost no one here knew me in high school, so I could be whoever I wanted to be when I showed up to UT's front door. 

Well, I've spent most of my time this semester up at the TSTV station working on VideoGame Hour Live. Needless to say, it's mostly men. There are, including me, 3 girls. I don't get much airtime, and when I do, they're telling me to go play cooking mama, or just in general making jokes about how inept I am because I'm a woman. I get the fact that girls and videogames don't mix well (even though they'd probably poop their pants after seeing me play left4dead. Last time I got 50+ head shots. but whatevs). For pretty much our entire viewing audiences, it's funny and goes over well when they make fun of the girls. But you know what? I'm getting a bit sick of it. It goes beyond what you see on screen. None of the producers listen to me or my ideas. They don't listen when I try to chime into conversations and joke along with them. I have a lot more in common interest-wise then they know. But they'll probably never know. I've worked with them at the station, I've partied with them, I've even worked with some of them in class. No matter how nice and sociable I am, they still treat me like I'm just a space filler. I feel very underestimated and invisible sometimes. And what makes me feel even worse sometimes is the fact that Lea and Tabitha, while being the nicest girls at the station, get more airtime than me and it makes me jealous of them. Honestly, I believe that they've gotten to host the show multiple times solely because they're pretty. They're the skinny tan girls, while I'm the not skinny pasty white girl. 

This all leads me to a dilemma. I don't want to work even harder on my appearance to try to be the same kind of pretty the other girls are. I don't want to spend hours at the gym or in a tanning booth so a group of guys will listen to me. And come on, they wouldn't really be listening. I'd just be a pair of tits. But it seems my only other option is to demand attention. And for a woman to do that, well then she's butch. I've had experience with this on high school drumline; they hated me, rebelled against me every chance they could, and ridiculed me. To them, I was a bitch, and I just wanted to get things done as section leader. I really don't want to go back to who I was in high school. I don't want to spend my entire life convincing people I really am I girl. My options it seems like is be the bitch, the hot dumb girl (let's face it, I'm never going to be stereotypically hot), or invisible. I hate sexism. I just don't know how I'm going to make it as a woman in this business if I can't even get my opinions across to 10 college guys (which btw, the 3 producers are freshman. wtf?). I hate that this makes me doubt myself.

"She puts on her makeup, puts on her new dress, holds her head high and gets in the car. Tells herself that no one will notice; assuming that she can make it that far. "

- She Will Always Be a Broken Girl, She Wants Revenge

Sara's Commandments

I need change. I need structure. I need you guys to help enforce these rules. I've let things go to far, and so here's my attempt to make things better.

I am not allowed to:

1)Call myself a derogatory term

2)Say I hate myself

3) Forget about the people who love me

4)Let the small things get to me

5)Let people make me feel bad about myself

6)Take blame for what isn't my fault

7)Lose control when I'm stressed

Hopefully these will get me on the right track. I need to be better to myself in case you can't tell. I'm hurting those closest to me when I'm not. 

"Anything to make you smile. You are the ever-living ghost of what once was. I never want to hear you say that you'd be better off, or you liked it that way"

- No One's Gonna Love You (More Than I Do), Band of Horses

What to Do, What to Do

I'm stumbled into a bit of a conundrum. UT's RTF department has this program called UTLA. Basically it's a study abroad program, except it's in Los Angeles. I'd spend a semester taking classes and working as an intern in like a film studio, a tv show, or something of the like, depending on what I want to do with my degree. Most people who participate in this program end up having their internships roll into full time jobs after graduation. Matt and I both want to do this, but it poses more of a problem for me because I can't afford it, while Matt can. He says he won't go without me, but I'd feel horrible if that were to happen because I don't want him to miss any opportunities that he very well had access to. If he wants to go out to LA, he should be able to, without worrying about me. This could very well lead to jobs for us in an industry that is notorious for being hard to get your foot in the door. I want Matt to be successful, because he very much has the potential to be, and I don't want to be the one who deters him from that. Plus, I WANNA GO! Although, the one down side in my mind about all this is, what if we do end up living in LA after graduation? I never really saw myself living out there; I figured I'd stay in Austin. I also don't really see Matt and I starting our family out there. We may even get married out there. But all in all, this seems like the smartest option if it's going to lead to jobs. So basically I have about a year or so to come up with the money to go. I'm just going to have to work my ass off to get there. 

"Let's pack up and move to California, she's got lots of friends out there. We'll never get bored cuz we can go boarding. Let's let the sunshine take us there"

- California, Hawk Nelson

New Tattoo

My birthday present to myself (with help from others) was a new tattoo. This is my 5th. It has a lot of meaning and it makes me very happy to see on my arm everyday. I know I talk about him a lot, but this tattoo is for Matt. He means the world to me, and I wanted a daily reminder of how much we love each other. Thank you to Erica, Mom and Dad, Chris, and unbeknownst to her my Grandma for the donations :D

"Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm. 'Come in' she said, 'I'll give you shelter from the storm'"

- Shelter from the Storm, Bob Dylan

Spring Break Is Upon Us

And I'm going to be spending it writing a research paper. Grrreeeeeaaaaaattttttt...Anyways, I'm hoping that's not all I will be doing. Tomorrow Matt and I will be driving to Nacogdoches and we'll be spending the weekend there and in Lufkin. (the 2 are only about 15 miles apart, Matt's from Lufkin, but when he went to college his family moved to Nac) I'm a bit nervous because I'm meeting all of the aunts and uncles at his grandfather's birthday party sunday. But I'm sure they'll be amazing, just like the family members I do know. I kind of miss his mom. She's a great person to just be around and talk with. I also miss his cats, especially Blackie. He'd be my soulmate if Iwere a cat. But then after that we'll be heading to Abilene on monday morning. I kind of hope that I see some friends (considering that thursday is my birthday), but I also hope to have some alone time with Matt and my family. I want to get a new tattoo for my birthday, so I'll be going to see Richard at sacred art for that sometime. As of now I'm seeing my old group of high school girls on saint patrick's day. I want to do some shopping and see a few movies with my mom and my sister. But mainly I'm just looking forward to a break. I don't like waking up to an alarm. I don't like not having enough time to eat. I don't like being so stressed I take it out on Matt. So there are my plans. I'm also open to suggestions. Just keep in mind that research paper I have to write.

"Forget the map we can make this interesting. I got you honey can't you see that is all I need?"

-Come With Me, Wesley Jensen